Kurt and the cars

Down to Earth

Some people get into a Lamborghini Aventador S, step on the gas and drive off into the sunset. Our author, however, ended up with a car that wanted to bring him back down to earth. Worked out so-so.

  • Text
    Kurt Molzer
  • Photos
    Matthias Mederer · ramp.pictures

In May 1993 I made a fascinating observation at the Formula 1 Grand Prix in Barcelona. I was walking through the paddock and suddenly saw my hero Ayrton Senna standing all alone in front of a man-sized stack of tires at the entrance to the McLaren pits. He was wearing a white T-shirt and had his racing overalls casually tied around his waist. But he wasn’t just standing there, no, he was stroking each tire in turn with his right hand like the cheek of a beloved woman. His gaze was focused on the black gold, he seemed to have tuned out everything around him, and I had not the slightest doubt that the three-time world champion was speaking to the slicks: “Which of you will give me the best grip today?” he seemed to ask. “Me! Me! Me!” I heard them shout in my mind. Four years later, I was standing at his grave in São Paulo. “Do you have any idea how much I miss you, tire whisperer?” I said quietly to myself. Me, the future Lambo whisperer.

Yes, that’s me, a Lambo whisperer. Though I only recently discovered this fact about myself. It has to do with my deep and intimate love of fast cars. There’s something supernatural about this love, something that obviously enables me to talk to sports cars. Allow me to relate to you the following parapsychic incident: There was this dark gray Lamborghini Aventador S with bright orange brake calipers in our underground parking garage. For a few days it enriched the vehicle fleet at the Ramp editorial office. I took the key, got behind the wheel, fastened my seat belt and said, “All right, let’s go and have some fun, shall we?”

I seriously doubted my state of mind when I heard a voice say, “As you wish. But remember: The more we rush through space and time, the less we see and call to mind.”

"Yes, that’s me, a Lambo whisperer. Though I only recently discovered this fact about myself. It has to do with my deep and intimate love of fast cars."
Kurt Molzer

“Who said that?” I asked in utter confusion.

“Me, the Aventador S.”

“No way! You can talk?”

“Only to a very select few.”

“Why me?”

“Because our little tribe has known you for many years. I’m the twelfth Lamborghini that you now have the pleasure of sitting in. We know all about your boundless love for our kind.”

“That’s right. And now please repeat what you said earlier. I didn’t quite catch . . .”

The Aventador S spoke: “I said: As you wish. But remember: The more we rush through space and time, the less we see and call to mind.”

“Admit it,” I said, dumbfounded, “those aren’t your words.”

“Did I say they were? It’s from Erich Limpach.”

“Never heard of him.”

“A German poet. I thought you were more well-read.”

“Don’t get sassy with me! And now tell me, epitome of speed: Why do you of all things quote something like that?”

To which the Aventador S said, “Look, we’re both getting on in years. I’ll soon have half a dozen under my belt, and I’ve been kicked around enough. And you, you old fart, could be my grandfather. Aren’t you bored yet of thundering down the highway at three hundred kilometers and hour? Any chump can do that.”

“It doesn’t bore me a bit. Because nothing in life stands still, and what is fastest is most beautiful.” So, who’s that from, you smart-ass dago?”

“Wilhelm Heinse,” the Aventador S answered without delay, “1746 to 1803.” And the hyperintelligent hypercar added: “But what good is speed if your brain has oozed out along the way? So, and who is the author of these words, hmm? Speak, you spawn of a backwoods mountain people!”

Humbly, I had to admit, “I don’t know.”

“How embarrassing! That was Karl Kraus, an Austrian like yourself!”

“What kind of strange creature are you? A Lamborghini that disdains speed? That’s like a vegetarian lion.”

“There is only one tempo: the right one. Wilhelm Furt­wängler,” the car lectured me again.

“Can’t we just get along?” I begged.


“It’s up to you.”

“Okay. What should I do?”

“Free yourself from your compulsions, your eternal intoxication, your greed for speed. Come down to earth. I’ll help you.”

“You? With your 730 hp? Your twelve cylinders and 6.5 liters of combustion chamber? Your 690 Newton meters of torque? Your 350 km/h top speed? You’re a monster, Lucifer’s spawn! And I love you for it! Why do you continue to tease me like this?”

“Hey now. A ‘monster’? I’m just the standard entry-level model. There’s also the Aventador SVJ, the Aventador LP 780-4 Ultimae . . .”

“Entry-level model? You’re the performance-optimized S for €335,000!”

“Nitpicker! But getting to the point: Let’s just experience ordinary everyday life for a while, the regular stuff. Let’s cruise through the exertions of the plain. Do your shopping with me, run some trivial errands. Come on, down to earth with both of us! Besides, you could take Steve McQueen as an example. He used his Ferrari 250 GT Berlinetta Lusso as a daily driver.”

“Yeah, okay . . . But hearing a Lamborghini utter the word ‘Ferrari’? I don’t believe my ears!”

“Let’s not be like that.”

“Okay. Though I still don’t see the point. But whatever, I don’t want to offend you and your kind. Just one condition.”

“And that would be?”

“One little trip on the autobahn. Not now, come to think of it, but tomorrow, Saturday, at sunrise, when the A8 will still be as empty as the Easter tomb.”

“You stubborn bastard. Okay, deal.”

Deal. But when I pressed myself back into the bucket seat at the aforementioned time and purred a friendly “good morning”, the Lamborghini didn’t say a word in return. No matter. I coaxed a sinister, grim roar out of it by pressing the start button, an expression of its very own, tremendous elemental force

Destination: Karlsruhe, 105 kilometers at full throttle. We’d take it from there.

With an average speed of 233 km/h I reached Karlsruhe in just twenty-seven minutes! Brevity is the spice of life. Though honestly, anything over an average of two hundred verges on science-fiction. It has more to do with Star Trek–style beaming than with down-to-earth travel on four wheels. Three times I was firmly convinced that I was overtaking myself, and I just couldn’t get my head around the reality of the “Karlsruhe” sign when I got there, because not even half an hour had passed since I set off from Reutlingen. A sort of undertow set in that I could not ( . . . )

→ Read the full story in ramp #61 "Love Is in the Air".

Kurt Molzer

Kurt Molzer

Freelance Author & Columnist
Kurt Molzer was born and raised in Vienna and worked for years as chief editor for Bild, Penthouse and Bunte. From 2000 he was a writer for GQ magazine, where he had a monthly column. His debut novel "Kurt's Stories" was published in 2006. Now he writes for ramp (again). And he has to drive fast cars for it - although he had actually already sworn them off.
ramp #61 Love Is in the Air + Porsche LeMans-Special

ramp #61 Love Is in the Air + Porsche LeMans-Special

Ein blauer Himmel, der Duft des frischen Grases, Sonne und die Wärme des Augenblicks, vor allem Licht. Das Licht der Sonnenstrahlen, erklären die Wissenschaftler, ist der entscheidende Faktor, wenn uns zu Beginn der warmen Jahreszeit ein flotter Gute-Laune-Mix aus Glückshormonen energisch in den Sommer lockt.

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